What makes you fall in love with someone? (Day #20)

Image credits: Cristiano Aguiar / Love (Flickr)

Have you ever thought about this? What makes you tick? What are those things you just like in a person?

I’m not going to engage in a philosophical diatribe about the concept of love, so don’t be afraid. We have Plato for that.

I would, nevertheless, like to talk about the process of falling in love with someone. Many of us have fallen in love several times. At least this is true for me. Each time, it’s been different.

I’ve had many romantic encounters over the years, but I’ll focus on those that were two sided.

The first time I fell in love with someone, it was with the daughter of some friends of my parents. It was instant. I saw her and felt we knew each other down to our core. I don’t believe in reincarnation or those sort of things, but it did feel like we had known each other for a very long time, from another lifetime.

It was instant and fulminating. The same day we met, we went out and nearly kissed (Her mom kind of interrupted the moment at 4 am). Speaking of regrets, not dating her could be one of them. It’s not a regret, as we never had a chance. We saw each other on and off for years, but never managed to make it work. Years later we reflected on this and laughed. We both knew what could have been but never was.

This experience always stayed with me because it’s been one of the few times in my life I’ve had instant magic with someone.

The next time I fell in love was something completely different. It started as an initial physical attraction (it always does, doesn’t it?) that slowly but steadily grew into a relationship.

This time it was very different. We never felt the “magic,” there was no immediate connection, but there was chemistry. I would say, we grew into the relationship. We didn’t know each other, so it became an exploratory walk into the other person’s life. The more we learned about each other, the more we fell in love. It was slow and steady. Solid. No fireworks. It was like seeing a flower bloom. The seed was plane, vulgar, but with water and some sun, it blossomed into a beautiful orchid.

I’ve experienced many situations in between, but I’ve rarely felt these two extremes. I have to wonder, though, which one is better. I don’t think there is a universal answer. Each one of us responds in a different way.

In my case, I’ve concluded that instant connection doesn’t work for me. The reason why I connect immediately with someone is that I feel a part of myself in them. Because we share part of our soul, when these two parts touch each other, sparks fly and everything else disappears.

I’ve experienced that twice in my life. It’s never worked out. Sometimes it’s because we were too similar, other times, it was too emotional for both. Being too similar meant we would chase the same dreams, and these situations would push us away. Sometimes it was long periods of absence, other times it was continents and oceans what separated us. It’s a painful experience. You know your soul is out there, but can never reach it.

Slow and steady, while not as romantic, creates a much stronger connection on the long run. It allows for both sides to feel each other, to adapt, to grow into each other.

The fact that you are different also creates a Yin and Yang that, in my opinion, is an essential part of a relationship. When someone pushes, the other needs to be ok with pulling and vice-versa. Both give and both receive. Your ambitions complement your partner’s ambitions. This way, you rarely create situations where both of you collide.

I do wonder, though, are there other ways? Will instant and passionate love might eventually work under certain circumstances? What’s your love story? What works for you?

This post is part of my 30 Days Writing Challenge. If you want to check out the previous posts, here you have an index.

Chief Editor at The Aleph Report (@thealeph_report), CEO at Press42.com, Cofounder & associated editor @tech_eu, former editor @KernelMag.

Chief Editor at The Aleph Report (@thealeph_report), CEO at Press42.com, Cofounder & associated editor @tech_eu, former editor @KernelMag.